How We Got Here - Part 5: The Final Hearing

There were nine months between hearings - nine long months of silence.  I could not secure any reliable communication with the hogar, with the boys, or with the biological family.  In December, I hired (yet another new person!) someone to represent me in court.  We filed a request to visit the boys, but it was denied.  We filed a request to be allowed into the next hearing, and it was approved.

I went to Guatemala for the hearing hoping for a miracle.  I tried to visit the boys but could not.  I tried to visit the biological family but could not.  I walked into court on Monday, March 14, sat down in the waiting room, and physically opened my hands to God.  I was ready to receive His plan, whatever it was.  When the boys arrived, I was delighted to see them.  When the biological family arrived, they seemed less than delighted to see me.  While we waited, Gerson - handsome, handsome Gerson - opened the children's Bible that the hogar had given to him and started to read aloud.  He read in Spanish and in English. . . and yes, of course, I cried.  What a gift to get to hear him.  What an amazing gift to see how much he had learned and how confident he had grown.  Oh my boys, they have grown so much.  They have survived and thrived despite the craziness that has swirled around them these past few years.  I love them so very much, and I am so proud of them.

We went into the court room, and I sat and witnessed as the system failed my sweet boys.  The anti-adoption climate is powerful in Guatemala.  No one wants to go on record favoring an adoption case, and especially not an adoption case related to our original attorney or hogar.  Representatives from the different authority groups and from the hogar all recommended that Gerson and Elviz should go to live with their grandmother.  I have no doubt that every single person in that room knew that was not in the best interest of these children, but not one of them was willing to say it.  These two small boys just were not worth it to them.  The judge ruled, and it was over.  After 3 years and 9 months of thinking that I was their "Mami", I found out that I was not.

I wish that this was a fairy tale and that reunification with their biological family was a wonderful thing.  But for Gerson and Elviz, that is just not the case.  The living situation of the family is dangerous, the history of care that they have shown the boys is questionable, and their plans for future care are ambiguous. 

My boys live in a dirt-floored shack built on the ravine in an area of high crime and gang control.  They live with 4 adults and 7 other children.  There is a history of physical abuse and of gang violence in the home.   

 

I do not understand why God sent them to live there, when it seemed so certain that they belonged here with me.  I do not understand, but I trust.  I trust that God is real; I trust that God is good; and I trust that God has a plan.  Even if I was never meant to be their everyday mother, I fully believe that God wanted me to love them with a mother's heart.  Perhaps the past few years of waiting were needed in order for my love to grow completely.  Perhaps it was the time that was needed for me to let go of all anger, all blame, all resentment, all entitlement, and to just be ready to give them a love that will never stop.  They need me now more than ever, and I will do whatever I can to try to care for them.  I am ready to accept any role that I am given in their lives with gratitude - they truly are blessings to me.